As I sit on the plane going home, I am thinking about the fact that we live in a deeply fallen world and because of that we should always expect to encounter hardship in our lives. We should never think that we can do anything on our own, which is probably why God puts impossible situations in our paths. Depending on God is the only way through our world’s messiness. If we try to evade the awareness of our own inadequacy we will miss the chance to see God in all His glory and power.
 
This trip has been very trying and overwhelmingly tough, with impossible mindsets, heartbroken women lashing out with hurtful words, questionable expectations, unrelenting poverty issues. I am feeling crushed and I’m questioning how anything we did this trip will make a positive impact on the lives of the women in the Gukura program. But what I do know is that God is in control and I am trusting Him. Trusting Him to make something good out of nothing. Trusting Him to come in and gloriously change these circumstances for these women. Jesus came to earth to join us in our pain and anguish, join us in our hopelessness and fear, to give us a way out through Him. Immanuel (God with us) means he is here, with us, with them. Always. 
 
I have a love for these women that I can't explain and seeing them light up when I just hold their hand, look into their eyes or just hug them is a feeling I could never begin to describe. To see someone who thought they didn’t matter to anyone, realize they actually matter to God, is incredible. I am thankful for God, entering into the suffering of His people, giving lasting hope and peace. Leaving here breaks my heart, but I’m leaving these women in God’s hands. Knowing He understands and hurts for them, even more than I do, makes it a little easier. 

Today we had the opportunity to visit the International Justice Mission (IJM) office in Kigali, Rwanda. We got to learn about what they are doing to help victims of child sexual assault. The subject matter is hard and most people don’t want to talk about it, let alone do anything about it. IJM addresses these issues and fights for the girls that are victimized. They see it through from assault to graduating from trauma counseling for the girls, and from arrest to prosecution
and incarceration for the perpetrators. In Rwanda these issues happen all too often and are not talked about to anyone, which makes it easier for people to get away with it and do it again. The girls feel “used” and “no good” and are especially vulnerable to being re-victimized and forced into prostitution. These are the girls we see in our Gukura program, the ones that never told and never got the help they so desperately needed. 

The women in our program are working so hard to better themselves but have a hard time believing they deserve it or that they will ever get out of their situation. This is true for so many girls and women across the world in many other countries, even in our own country. We need more people willing to fight for the injustice in this world. It’s so easy to look at something and think it is cruel and vicious. It’s a lot harder to stand up and do something about it. But people do, everyday! I want to share with people the injustices I have seen and pray others will stand up to help fight them. I want to live in a world that doesn’t just stand by and watch as people suffer. I want to live in a world where people will at least look at the world around them, even if it is just in your home town, and find a way to make a difference for someone. I want to live in a world where people care about one another. If we choose not to look, it is our own selfish desire to pretend we live in a perfect world. 
 
I am grateful that God gave us the chance to meet an entire group of people willing to stand up for others at IJM. It only makes it easier knowing other people are trying to help. I can only pray that what we are trying to do here in Rwanda makes even just a little impact for the girls who no one would stand up for. I pray for the girls in our program and I pray for the leaders of the program in Rwanda. I know that this road will be long and hard but it will be worth it in the end.

The last few days we have been doing Savings Group training. We were there to help facilitate the training, love the women and encourage them to help themselves. We were not the ones actually doing the training itself so we had a little more time to observe the group and see the responses.

I am struggling with the learned helplessness that is so apparent amongst this group of women. Their lives have been so horrible for so long that they seem like they have lost all hope for a better life. They have been told over and over that they are nothing, they are worthless and they will always be. They want a different life so badly but they expect us to hand it to them because they don’t believe enough in themselves to even try to make a change. This is a frustrating battle and it’s completely overwhelming!

How do you change this mindset? This problem seems almost impossible to do anything about. It makes it really hard to move forward and keep trying. All I can do is pray for hope and healing for these women. Isaiah 40:31 says “But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary; they will walk and not be faint.” I know God is the only one who can change their minds and give them the strength and stamina to  work hard and keep trying. God is the only one who can make them feel valuable again. I am so sad for them but after all they have been through to survive I wholeheartedly believe in their ability to change their circumstances. God will deliver them if they choose to lean on Him, not on us, or their own abilities. 

I am proud of them for coming to all 3 days of training, because it was long. There were hard concepts to grasp and when you don’t even know how you will pay your rent or even feed your children that night, it is hard to learn about saving money. God will bless them for their willingness to try. God only asks us to try. Just to listen to Him, try and then trust Him. A teachable, willing spirit is a fundamental part of who we should strive to be. If we go through life without trying or without listening to God we will forever be who we are now. I want to continue to grow and transform into who He says I should be, not just  who this world says I am.

Today was spur of the moment evangelism day. We went to a meeting and at the end of the meeting we were asked if we could come to participate in the door-to-door evangelism that was already planned with the church members for the afternoon. We all looked at each other and I just said, “of course!”

We travelled by public bus to the area near the church and we were then split into 3 groups, one Muzungu, white person, in each group. Each team was supposed to go to 2 houses and tell the people about Jesus. This is not an easy task. It is hard, it is intimidating, and it is scary. A lot of things go through your mind. What do I say? What if I say the wrong thing? What if I look stupid? What if they tell me no? What if they hate me?

I think that most people struggle with telling others about Jesus. But if you stop to think about it, Jesus was laughed at, persecuted and hated too. He was even killed by hypocrites who thought He was wrong. We worry about looking stupid but if we truly believe in Jesus, how can we not share His love and peace with others? How could we let people go through life hurting and lost when we have a way to help them, to share our faith with them? So what if they laugh? So what if they say no? So what if we are persecuted? Jesus told us to go and tell all nations. He also said that if they hate you, just remember they hated me first.

In our evangelism day we were able to pray over a paralyzed baby, pand we got to see 9 people give their lives to Christ. When I was asked to lead 2 people in the prayer to accept Christ, I felt inadequate and unable to do it. But God gave me the words and it was such a blessing to hold their hands and be with them at the very moment their lives were changed forever. What a blessing! What a gift!

What if I had not gone? 
Then I wouldn’t have had this moment with these 2 people and I wouldn’t have this memory. God blessed us today, just because we were willing to do as He asked. What if we always did just as He asked? What would our world look like then? 

God gives us exactly what we need when we need it. Today we got to go back to the same church as yesterday, Deliverance Church, for Sunday service. This church is mostly made up of women who have been freed from a life of prostitution because most of the others have left. It was so amazing to see a choir of all women, all survivors, all who were singing praise to God for saving them, for loving them
and for washing them clean. Being there dancing with them was such a blessing. This ministry is full of frustration, disappointment, heartbreak and tears. The special moments are few and these moments make it all worth it. The joy and gratefulness was so apparent with them, I just wish I could bottle up that feeling and take it home with me, so I can feel that again when I feel like giving up. Because there are times when I feel like giving up. There are times that I wrestle with God on why He called me to do this. Why halfway across the planet? Why is it so difficult? Why does He allow His people to suffer?

My heart aches for these women every single day. I struggle with my feelings of being inadequate and ineffective. But I can’t unsee the things I have seen. I can’t unlove these women. I can’t just go back to my life the way it was before. I can’t walk away and tell God that it’s too hard or that I am unwilling to go where He has called me. I can only pray for strength and pray that He continues to give me little moments like today in church, when I felt His power and the
joy of His people. I am grateful for this day and for God giving me exactly what I needed to keep moving forward after a couple of really hard days. For now my tears are dry and I soak up this day, knowing the next hard one is just around the corner. And when God knows I need more encouragement, He will give me just that.

Today was a kind of a rough day, I have to say. We got to meet the group of 30 women who have been saved and have decided that they were going to make a better life for themselves. This was so great to see! They started a savings group where they all put money in each week and any of them can borrow from the pot to help with living expenses, buying items to sell at the market, starting a small business, etc. This helps them work together to make a change for themselves.

When the women stood up to share their stories of how the group was going and where they were so far, they also shared about what the money was used for and how it was paid back. They shared about how great it was to have a church that cared about them and also how they were nervous about how they would survive because it still was very hard. They also shared about how I had hurt them by helping
just one woman while she was sick a few months back, and she was still drinking and involved in prostitution and didn't deserve it.

I was kind of shocked! I had no idea they even knew about that. What could I even say?
I had made a mistake. I did the American thing and threw some money at a problem hoping it would be fixed. I didn’t think about the effects it would have on the others.

So I stood there, thinking. Do I try to defend my actions? Do I tell them why I did what I did? Do I explain that she was dying and I panicked? Do I not address it at all? What do I do?

I decided it was best to own up to my mistake. Not to defend my actions, just to admit my humanness. Just to apologize. Not to apologize for caring but to ask forgiveness for not thinking of the whole group when I made my decision. I promised to work directly with their pastor to find the best solution for their specific needs. Since giving money to one didn’t work, then giving even more to a group wouldn’t work either. Through prayer we would find an answer. 
 
God taught me a lesson today. He taught me that it is not me who helps, but Him. He doesn’t need our money, but it should be offered freely. He doesn’t need us to do His work, but we should be more than willing to do it. These women were changing because of what He was doing in them, not because of anything I had or had not done. I am only a vessel that He can use if He chooses. Our God is a God of miracles, and I trust in Him to find a way out for these women.

Today we finished up training for 2 churches on how to minister to women who are forced into prostitution. I am so blessed to be able to be a part of something so amazing. These people were all working together to find a solution to the problem. We never come here to tell them the answers but just to ask the right questions to get them to find the solution on their own, for their people, in their community. 

In the afternoon we drove out to one of the churches that had been working hard to save some of the women and when we arrived, the sight took my breath away. The church was made of just sticks and a sheet of metal for a roof. There was about 40 women singing and dancing with complete abandon. As I looked around, tears came to my eyes to see so many women who had once been so used and broken
worshipping our amazing God. I looked over to my friend and translator, Oliver, to see her crying as well. One woman even stood up and told us her story, even though she was shaking tremendously. She was scared to share the horrible things that had happened to her but she wanted to share where she had been and how God had rescued her. These women were so grateful for their new lives. To see in
just one year what God can do with a few people willing to do the work was so awesome!

This was a wonderful opportunity to remind us of how we should praise God for everything. I sometimes focus on the negative things happening in my life and don’t look to see the great things. I want to open my eyes to the good things, staying focused on them and letting that joy overflow into my world. If we are always walking around with an attitude of resigned rigidity, who will see the joy God has given us to live in his world? I want to choose to walk with childlike enjoyment, taking in all that God offers for each day. The beautiful sun shining or the sweet smell of rain, the color of the flowers or the crisp smell of fresh cut grass. Our lives in the U.S. tend to be too busy to notice
these small blessings but noticing these things is a choice. Walking through life with this grateful attitude glorifies God and tells others of His glory, I want this life for me.

This morning we got to meet with 2 pastors that are committed to helping the women caught in sex trafficking in Rwanda. Pastor John Damascene, who we had met a year ago to do training on how to minister to trafficking victims, told us about all the great work he had been doing since then. He took the training and ran with it, reaching out to the hurting women that were unloved by the community. He told us about his church and how he had over 40 women who had been saved from a life of prostitution coming to his church. He also told us that because of his willingness to seek the lost and the vulnerable, so many other people had left the congregation because they didn’t want to be a part of it. This is heartbreaking! “Christians” who refuse to accept people because they think they are sinners!

How is it that we as humans tend to think that other people are less deserving of forgiveness? Why do we think we can decide who should be a part of God’s family? 
 
I like to think that I am a good Christian and accept everybody but if we are all honest with ourselves I’m pretty sure we can look back (to like yesterday or even a few hours ago) and find a time when we weren’t accepting of someone. Whether it be because they look different than us, or act different, or make choices we don’t approve of. Either way, we all seem to do it. So after being angry at the fact that people were judging these women and condemning them, God  humbled me when I had an opportunity to choose not to do the same. We went to the market on our down time later in the day and we ran into a woman that was part of the Gukura program. Our program had helped this woman on 2 separate occasions when she was very ill and needed care. She was supposed to be getting better and making a better life for herself but instead we found her drunk and stumbling around the market. I had stuck up for her when no one wanted to help her, saying that she should have a chance to change. Now here I was disappointed, and hurt, and sad, and most of all I felt kind of stupid. Here was my opportunity not to judge, not to look at her and decide she is bad, not to give up on her. 

I have to tell you, I struggled with this, with my emotions. It should have been easy to see she is sick and hurting. But in the moment it was hard to see that, all I saw was the poor choices. I just hugged her and told her we would continue praying for her and moved on. Looking back I feel I should have been more compassionate, but this is where God is telling me to grow. I need to learn that if someone hurts me I can’t just discount them and move on, I need to love them anyway and never to judge anyone. We never know someone else’s story so who are we to decide if they are deserving of anything. God loves everyone, even the prostitutes and the tax collectors! So we should too, even if it is hard.

So as we are driving along on our supposed 3 hour drive to get to our next training destination, the driver realizes he has taken the wrong road, so he stops to ask for directions (thank God this man asks for directions or we would be in Uganda by now) So we turn around and within 5 minutes we have a flat tire. The driver realizes he doesn’t have the tools to change it, he doesn’t know where we are, he has no one to call and we are in a very rural area. We all start praying silently amongst ourselves because that is all we can do at this point. The driver hops into a passing car and off he goes leaving us 4 women on the side of the road by ourselves. We start to draw a crowd from the people who are making their hours long daily trek down this long winding road for work or for water. It’s fun to see the stares and awestruck faces of people looking at Muzungu’s
(white people) standing on the side of their usually quiet road. People came out of houses built on the side of the hill we never even would have noticed had we not been standing on the road.

The driver finally comes back with a few men and a tire iron. I am amazed as more men passing by join in as they all struggle to lift the van, by hand, up onto rocks taken from the side of the road. I am grateful to have heard the song they sang and their laughs as they worked hard to lift this van without a care in the world. I am also amazed at how quick the driver was able to go to a nearby town
to find total strangers to help change a tire. So even though our trip took over 5 hours I felt so blessed to have the opportunity to witness such compassion and togetherness that we never get to see in America. We always seem too busy to help or only help when it is convenient for us. Jesus’ example teaches us that we need to help one another, any time of any day. He always stopped to help others, even when he had other things to do. I want to take this story back to
the U.S. with me and always remember that people and our relationships on earth are most important, so we need to take time out of our lives to help people who are in need. I want to stop long enough to look around. I want to look for a need, not just wait until I am asked. I want to be used by God every day in everything I do!

As we finally fly into Rwanda, after the 36 hours of travel, my body aches from sitting for so long. I’m very puffy all over, anybody ever heard of Kankles? I feel exhausted and I feel gross.

But as I step off the plane, I feel invigorated and excited. The amazing smells of Rwanda hit me as I step onto the tarmac; sweet, musty and tropical with the aroma of burning charcoal. The feeling I get here is too hard to express. I can’t explain what it feels like to be right at the center of God’s will for your life. I know this is exactly where I am supposed to be at this very moment in time. In a couple weeks I will be back with my awesome family and doing God’s will there also, but for now I am here.


 My mixed emotions about this trip are hard to put into words. The lead up to this trip was very different and much more difficult than in the past. There were many prayers and a lot of tears. Heather and I don’t claim to know how to fix the problem with trafficking in Rwanda, but we are willing to try. Our only goal is and always will be, to think in the best interest of the women we are trying to help. The program is complex and culturally different than anything we have in the United  States. So this is where we let God take over, He knows exactly what is supposed to happen. It is not up to us.

 Since this road was longer and harder this time I really wondered if I was still on the right path. I never once thought this would be an easy road but I surely didn’t think that it would always be an uphill battle. So here we are in Rwanda, waiting for guidance from God, more clear now that I'm on the right path.

“God, Please be with us as we try to do your will in this small yet amazing country, through your churches, that you have raised up. We are here and are completely open to what you have for us. I trust you with all of my soul and pray for safety and direction. Amen”